Field notes from my spiritual CEO suite

Hello Reader,

My business is not meant to domesticate me. Yet here I am, letting fear crack its whip and run operations like a ruthless COO.

When furiously ticking boxes off my to-do list, I forget why I started Kollektiv Studio - to design my days and make business my art.

There’s an over-preparation bone in my body that wants to protect me, but my liberation depends on pulling it out, letting it dry, and making a wish (and letting it go).

I’ve been pushing, driving, feeling out of time and behind, chasing phantom deadlines. Yes, some are real - the audiobook files and client deliverables. But mostly, fear is spinning stories in my mind and manufacturing urgency.

A notion that everything has to be done now, today, or else nothing will happen, and my dreams and desires will gather dust with bunnies in the corner.

I know that’s a lie. But it’s a sticky one.

When I triple-check, over-plan, and rush, I don't release into the pregnant fullness of the present moment.

I’m trying to control it. I'm signaling that I don’t trust life.

I build trust by leaning into what's here now, ankles crossed on my desk next to my ‘I hiked the Grand Canyon’ coffee cup, and not allowing circumstance to wrap its fat fingers around my throat and squeeze, because I create the circumstance.

I get to choose. I get to release. I get to spin in the rain with my arms open, rom-com style, letting whatever’s meant to happen, happen.

I slow down, free myself to do less and create the conditions for my ripe creative fruit to fall, bruised and bursting.

This is the creative work. This is co-creating with life.

Releasing into it requires us to remove the layered armor that makes moving hard and heavy, and staying put easier. But then we miss out on what’s walking toward us.

Sometimes, I want it so bad, that I forget it is also here.

I get caught in a loop, thinking the delight, the big prize, and the feeling that I've finally arrived are out there. When I know better. Hey, I wrote about this in my book.

Yet, it takes practice for the lesson to be embodied. My body is used to moving like a New Yorker on Canal Street. I am learning a new choreography (think algae underwater).

It’s easy to forget, to slip back into the old belief that life is happening to me, to feel out of control, and to try to gain power by gripping, doing, and managing.

When freedom is releasing the idea of control (it doesn’t exist outside the confines of the mind) AND trusting myself and life. Knowing I can dance with whatever comes my way and create space for the unexpected to waltz on in.

It’s easy to close, but then everything constricts, the aperture narrows, and it becomes hard to see, feel, and move. The life vest becomes a straitjacket. The to-do list becomes the focal point instead of being, feeling, and creating.

This back-and-forth between opening and closing, speeding and sauntering, and leaning back, standing still, and leaning forward is a daily practice.

A line dance I'll need where I'm going. Up-leveled experiences and opportunities require new ways of being and doing. I can't get move into them doing the running man. I need new moves.

I'm standing at the threshold, at the door of a different kind of party, and it feels intimidating *hand hovering in the air about to knock*

Fear brings out my inner protective perfectionist, but she won’t be my plus one. She can’t join this party. This new level requires a different rhythm, one tuned to trust and courage.

But my inner teenager is more than welcome. She'll bring more rebellious energy and power, less control and trying to be ‘on top of things’. I’ll bribe her with Dominos, Doritos, whatever she wants - and ask her to stick around. I can use her fierceness right about now.

If I want to move into the next big version of myself and create more, I need to let go of trying to control the outcome through a flurry of activity and self-imposed timelines.

More trust, less grip. More easing into the unknown and allowing whatever is meant for me to softly land.

More trust in myself, life, and the phenomenal humans around me. More boundaries around my sweet energy.

Remembering who the f*ck I am. I’m more than a beautifully flawed human, award-winning creative director, published author, and recovering nomad.

I'm a spiritual being in a highly moisturized body, experiencing life on this spinning rock for a limited time only.

I get to expand into my wildest potential, explosive, glitter bomb, electric energy positively reverberating through the Milky Way.

And so do you.

It’s so much larger than a limited vantage point; than the urge to do more to feel safe or prove my worth. But rushing will only limit possibilities because I’ll be too busy to see them.

Maybe it’s time we fire fear as COO and remember what we came here to create (softly, slowly).

With love,